Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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