some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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