6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
