dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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