i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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