I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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