a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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