i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
