I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
