I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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