He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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