Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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