The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
