i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
