My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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