your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
