i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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