please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
