genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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