I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
