On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
