You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm bleeding and have questions
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
