I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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