Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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