I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
well you can't waste a boner
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
