the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
