i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
