Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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