i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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