i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
