so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
