i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
