Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
