nut hugger
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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