i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Is this like a preordered booty call?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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