he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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