unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
