i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
