I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
