she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
