Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
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