Yo dont text me then not text me
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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