Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
