but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
