every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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