I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
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