Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
