I'm pants shitting drunk right now
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
