im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
