Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
